February 2nd marked the thirteen anniversary of the year I lost my beloved, Brian. He was only forty-six when he went to be with the Lord. Way too young in my opinion. Our older children were married with children of their own, but our youngest two were a junior and senior in high school. They have spent the last thirteen years without their dad by their side to witness their graduations, marriages, birth of their children and so much more. It breaks my heart that they have had to miss out on having him with them through so many events in their lives. I spend many days doing the what if game wondering if things would have been different over the past thirteen years if he were still with us. Of course, there is no way to know how our lives would have gone as no one can predict the future.
Some years the grief and sorrow around this time of year is worse than others. In years past the day of his burial on the fourth brings me more sorrow than the day he died. This year it was the day he passed that put me in a bucket of tears more than once. Some years the days go by as if it is just another day and I question why I feel that way and then other years I barely make it through the days before and after without feeling guilty, lonely and depressed.
Brian was a great man who was loved by everyone who knew him. He was an LPN for many years and his patients thought the world of him. He was the kind of person who never met a stranger and who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. Our marriage was not perfect, and neither was our family, but we made it through a lot of tough times together.
Some days I feel guilty that I no longer live in Tallahassee where he is buried so I can take flowers to his grave or go visit and tell him about all the things going on in the world. Yes, I did that when I lived there as it was therapeutic, but ever since I moved to Tennessee in 2009 my visits back are few and far between. I ask myself why I feel guilty and I can never seem to find an answer to that question.
Some people wonder why I still grieve for him when I have remarried. To me grief does not end just because you found someone else to love and be loved by. I love my husband, but I did not marry him to replace Brian. I married him to have a companion in my life. Brian will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will not apologize for that.
If you’re dealing with the grief of a lost loved one, feel free to reach out and provide any comforting information that you can or if you just need someone to talk to, you can reach out for that too.