Does Grief Ever Go Away

Twelve years ago today was one of the worse days of my life. I had been going on adrenaline for several days as on the 30th of January we brought my husband home to live out his final days near the family. It would be several hours before I was able to get rest as rest was something I didn’t want to do as I didn’t want to leave him alone for one minute. Family came in and out over the next couple of days and on the evening of the 1st I dosed off between 10 and 12 pm. When I woke up startled that I had even fallen asleep I looked over at the man I loved more than anything and saw a tear stained face looking back at me. I felt like the worse wife in the world as he had to take his last breath alone as I sat there sleeping instead of being by his side. The next 36 – 48 hours would be the toughest hours of my life.

Although he had planned for this day way before this moment, I was still not prepared for what I would be facing. The past six weeks had been nothing but hospitals and lots of prayers hoping for a miracle that we never got. Instead I had the most terrifying ride of my life when he was driven from Gainesville to Tallahassee in an ambulance that I insisted on riding in so I would be with him if he did not survive the trip.

The day he died was on a Saturday and since it was so early in the morning when everything happened and because we had done a lot of pre-planning, I was able to finalize everything rather quickly and had his funeral scheduled for the 4th. Because my daughter’s wedding was on the 16th, I was not able to grieve until much later as I wanted her day to be special regardless of what we had all just been through. A few days after the wedding I went back to work, which I had not been at in eight weeks and after a couple days I walked out of my job to figure life out.

It was at this point that the grief really hit me and depression set in that lasted for several months. Hell, if I was being honest, it lasted for years and there’s still times when it rules its ugly head.

After 12 years I’m still grieving, even though I have remarried it still hits me like a tone of bricks come February and I hate to see this month come around each year. To be honest I don’t know that I will ever stop missing him and wishing he were still here. Our memories are forever in my heart.

I love you Brian! You will never be forgotten.

I wanted to share some of his favorite memories. 

In August 2001 we took the two younger kids on their first trip to Disney World, which was his favorite place to visit.

Another pic from that 2001 trip.

In December 2001, him and I went on a trip to the smokey mountains. This was a pic along the drive up the mountain towards Cades Cove.

This was his favorite pic during his real estate days. He looked so handsome.

This is from his sons wedding on September 17, 2005. He was so proud of his son and would do anything and everything for him.

In February 2006, he welcomed his first granddaughter into the world. This pic was taken in June of that year.

Come August of the year 2007 another grandson was born into the family.

He was so proud of all his grandchildren, but these two had a special place in his heart.

In October 2007 we had this family picture taken, which would be the last family pic of the whole gang together.

In November 2007 we were sealed in the church.

Hello Fall

HELLO FALL

I can’t believe it’s already Fall. It’s been 7 months since I’ve written anything here on the blog.  Like a lot of other things in my life, I lost my passion for something that I use to love doing. Depression and busyness will do that to you. It’s probably more to do with my depression, than with being busy as other than going to work 5 days a week, all I do is sit around the house and watch the days go by.

Somewhere along the way in my post I mentioned that we had settled down in Clarksville and I had gotten a job in Nashville, which is about an hours drive away. Well after about 3 days of making the drive, we decided we would move to Nashville, It’s easy to up and move anytime the mood strikes when you live in an RV.  We moved to a place right on Percy Priest Lake. The location is only about 2 miles from the house I was living in when I met Greg (my husband). 

WEIGHT LOSS

I had been giving updates about my weight loss back in the beginning of the year. I am ashamed to admit that the weightloss didn’t last long either. When I started blogging about that I was trying to do it on my own and I just kept hitting walls everywhere I turned. Then at one point I tried Thrive, but that ended up making me feel more blah than I could handle. I have health issues that I have to take into consideration when trying different products that are out there and this one just wasn’t going to do it long term. In about 5-6 weeks time I had only dropped 7 pounds, but I’m sure I have put those pounds back on and probably added a few more in the process.

BOUGHT A HOUSE

After much debate we have signed a contract for a house. We debated whether we would stay in the Nashville area where my job is or move back to Clarksville where my husband would prefer to live and where we could get more bang for a buck and both of those reasons won out and now I will be driving over an hour per day one way to go to work. Not sure how long I will be able to manage that, but we will see how it plays out. We are supposed to close on October 15th. I’m looking forward to being in a house, but not so sure about the location. We took the dogs over today to run in the backyard and to see if the sod in the front yard had been finished, but they have yet to do any of the things that need to be done. 

HOPE

My hope is to get back into the swing of life once we get moved. I’m looking forward to decorating the house and enjoying life in a bigger space. There are still so many unknowns with this new chapter, but I’m sure I will conquer them just like I have conquered all the unknowns in my past. 

RV FOR SALE

Once we make the move we will be trying to sell our 2017 Montana 3791rd model as well as the 2016 Ford F-350 that pulls it as we will be hanging up our traveling shoes. If we want to travel we’ll do it by plane, car or cruise ship as we would really like to see Hawaii and Alaska.