I Must Always Remember to Breathe

January 28, 2021

Written by Anna White

Remembering to breathe when your met with major life decisions is not always an easy task. This past year has been a real struggle for me. It started in December of 2019 when my husband and I separated. That time did not last very long, but in the coming year there would be two other separations, one of which lasted about 3 months. I had filed for divorce and our court date had been set only to be post-poned and then set again. The final separation ended in September 2020.

I spent several months in counseling during 2020 trying to get past things from my past all the way back to childhood as part of the problems with my marriage were due to things that had happened to me that I had never healed from. Although the counseling helped to a degree, I stopped going, My therapist was good in some ways, but I did not agree with some of her methods, plus it was expensive and not covered by my insurance, so I give it up.

Through all these things, I was also working from home doing so in a forty-one-foot RV. When we were both in it, the space became very crowded in a matter of minutes, not hours. I am sure this also led to some of the problems we were experiencing at the time as well.

In September, we committed to making our marriage work and he came home. Part of working on our marriage meant buying a house that would provide space for me to have an office since I am working from home for the unforeseeable future. We closed on a house in December. I posted about that in a separate post.

Just when it looked like things would be better for us, we received the news that my husband has CANCER. “Remember to Breathe” has become my new motto as I tell myself this too shall pass. You see when a spouse has an illness such as this, it is not just him/her that suffers or goes through the steps of recovery. The other spouse must go through this with them.

This is not our first experience with him having a serious illness and now I prepare myself for what lies ahead, not knowing what tomorrow holds, how we will get through this stumbling block or what the future holds for us, much less him. Through it all I must remind myself to “Remember to Breathe”.

We had an appointment with the oncologist, and he decided on his treatment plan and now we wait until we can get started with that said plan. I lost all my patience years ago with my children, so waiting on someone to take this as seriously as I do and to get started is taking its toll on me already. While writing this post over several days as I kept changing my mind as to what I wanted to say, we got the appointment for March 9th for his first step in the treatment process.

I am having to rely on my crafty side to find some relaxation and remind myself that I have got this. Remind myself not to let this get the best of me. I must tell myself that it will be okay, and we will get through this, but there is a side of me that ask, “will we”? And if so, at what costs? Will he make it through this? Will I lose another spouse? There are so many unknowns and what ifs.

Keeping my depression in check during times like this is not easy. I know this has led to a lot of my recent weight gain (after losing 48 pounds last year). I must find a way to push through this and find a way to cope with whatever comes my way.

How do you cope with living with cancer? How do you support your spouse through this? How do you reach out for help and feel like people really do care and want to be there for you? 

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